My Mother Suddenly — Came Into The Bath And I Pan...

I forgave her before I forgave myself for panicking. But now I see that panic as a small, necessary fire. It burned away the childish assumption that privacy is automatic. It forced me, finally, to start locking the door.

Panic, I learned, does not announce itself with a drumroll. It arrived as a hot, prickly wave that started at my collarbone and climbed to my temples. I yanked a washcloth across my chest, which in retrospect covered nothing of consequence, and shrieked something unintelligible—probably a cross between “Mom!” and a startled seagull. She, of course, did not scream. She simply blinked, said, “Oh, you’re in here,” and turned around as slowly as if she were backing out of a royal court. My mother suddenly came into the bath and I pan...

And sometimes, when I catch my own reflection mid-startle, I smile. Because that washcloth-wielding, seagull-screaming teenager is still in there—learning, slowly, that the people who love us will occasionally barge in. The trick is not to stop panicking, but to laugh about it later, once the water has drained and the heart has settled. I forgave her before I forgave myself for panicking