...ing -2003- Here

And I am still there. Still treading water. Still

But the something was already behind my eyes. It was the knowledge that we were living in the pause between two frames of a film. That 2003 wasn't a year—it was a breath held too long. And the exhale? The exhale was coming. It would sound like a plane hitting a tower, a war starting over nothing, a friend logging offline for the last time. It would sound like the end of the -ing. The end of being . ...ing -2003-

“You okay?” Jenny asked. She was treading water two feet away, perfectly fine. The Frisbee arced overhead. Normal. The year 2003, normal. And I am still there

In late July, we went to the reservoir. Six of us, crammed into a Ford Taurus with a busted AC. The water was the color of weak tea, but we didn't care. We dove in anyway. And for ten minutes, I felt nothing but the cold. The blessed, mindless cold. Then I opened my eyes underwater. It was the knowledge that we were living

That was the summer of the -ing. Every verb became a trap. Feeling. Failing. Forgetting. Faking. I’d write the word "living" on my hand in ballpoint pen, and by noon it would smear into a bruise. My mother said I was just moody. My father handed me the car keys and said, “Go drive somewhere. Get it out of your system.” But there was nowhere to go. Every road led back to the same cul-de-sac, the same lawn sprinklers clicking like a countdown clock.

But the voice wasn't the singer's anymore. It was mine.